Dwayne The Rock Johnson Does Jaws
Do you have a movie from your childhood that you love? Something that fills you with warm nostalgia every time you see it?
Well, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson is probably starring in a reboot of it and turning it into an irreverent action comedy.
Here are some selected excerpts from DTRJ’s (probable) upcoming reboot of Jaws.
THE OPENING
EXT. THE BEACH. DAY
We open on a shot of a girl in a bikini -duh! – swimming in the ocean. We start to hear those telling musical notes “dun dun.” The camera zooms in as the “dun duns” speed up until…
THE BASS DROPS.
Other hot bikini/swimshort clad bodies enter the frame.
DOUCHEBAG BOY
[shouts] Spring Break!!
The dubstep remix of the Jaws theme plays on.
CUT TO:
DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON is a lifeguard surveying the scene. He thinks these SEXY YOUNG PEOPLE are irresponsible. Panic etches on his face.
CUT TO:
A SHARK FIN is swimming towards the SEXY YOUNG PEOPLE.
DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON jumps into action. He runs into the sea and swims towards the shark in a frenzy.
DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON
Everybody out! Shark! Shark!
But in a huge twist, when he jumps on the SHARK FIN, he realises that it’s actually just a novelty toy strapped to the head of BUREAUCRAT’S ENTITLED SON.
BUREAUCRAT’S ENTITLED SON
Hey! What the fuck man?! Did you think
I was a real shark!
DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON swims away sheepishly as his friends point and laugh. This is comical because DTRJ is a big BEEFY man, and the people laughing at him are skinny and small in comparison.
INT. BUREAUCRAT’S OFFICE. DAY
BUREAUCRAT
What’s the meaning of this? You
know there hasn’t been a shark
sighting here for over 35 years.
DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON
You can never be too careful.
BUREAUCRAT
Don’t give me that crap, just because
your father…
DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON
Don’t talk about my father like you
knew him.
BUREAUCRAT
I’m just saying that maybe you’re
too close to this. Maybe a life as a
lifeguard just ain’t for you.
DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON
That may be your opinion but…
BUREAUCRAT
It’s not just my opinion. I got word
in from Head Office, you’re being
reassigned.
DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON
Reassigned? To where?
Dramatic music starts playing
BUREAUCRAT
Administration.
DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON punches his way out of the room instead of using the door.
EXT. THE BEACH. DUSK
DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON is drowning his sorrows drinking whisky with a ‘nod nod wink wink’ name like: Bruce’s Bourbon or Bad Hat Bourbon. This allows the hardcore fans of the original to laugh loudly in the cinema to show the other cinema-goers that they are better than them.
In the distance DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON sees a BRAINY BUT STILL SEXY LADY swimming. He also sees the shark fin again coming up behind her.
What else is there to do? He commandeers a cool jetski that just happens to moored nearby and races to save her. He does save her. At some point he punches the shark in the face. It’s awesome. But just as DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON is going to rip that shark a new one, the shark doubles back and swims off.
DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON
You alright lady?
BRAINY BUT STILL SEXY LADY
I am now. By the way I’m a
shark scientist and I know a
lot about their behaviour which
will probably come in useful later.
There’s a moment as they jetski back to shore.
INT. BUREAUCRAT’S OFFICE. DAY
DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON
You gotta listen to me man! There
was a shark, and it was closer to land
than it’s ever been before. We gotta
close the beach.
BUREAUCRAT
Close the beach? During Spring Break?
You gotta be kidding me!
BRAINY BUT STILL SEXY LADY
Honestly, there was a shark.
Both men ignore her.
DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON
Since when did making money come
before people’s lives?
BUREAUCRAT
This is America son. Since always.
DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON and the BRAINY BUT STILL SEXY LADY exchange a look. They’re going to have to go it alone.
EXT. DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON’S GARAGE. DAY
BRAINY BUT STILL SEXY LADY
How are we gonna kill this thing?
We don’t have any help, any training,
any equipment…
DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON
Don’t we………?
He presses the button on his remote control garage. Inside is a whole host of shark hunting equipment.
They tool up. They’ve got a big harpoon, those big trousers that fishermen wear and some other shit – probably a rocket launcher because that would be cool later.
They grab a pair of fisherman’s coats.
CUT TO: the BRAINY YET STILL SEXY LADY wearing a huge coat. It’s clearly the one for DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON.
CUT TO: DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON wearing a woman’s coat. He’s bulging out of it. Why does he have a woman’s fisherman coat in his shark hunting arsenal? Don’t worry about it.
BRAINY BUT STILL SEXY LADY
You’re gonna need a bigger coat…
Pause for raucous laughter from the fanboys. But the other people in the audience get it too. It’s a play on the film’s most iconic line. The fanboys laugh louder, but the audience matches it. The fanboys get hysterical – are they laughing or crying? Even they don’t know anymore. There’s screaming now, and as the screams reach fever pitch, erupting from every cinema around the world, the earth cracks in two, revealing its corrupted core. The fanboys stop screaming. The whole thing was a plan, years in the making, to show those darned studio execs that if they want them to keep buying tickets to their mediocre reboots starring DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON then they can’t alienate their CORE AUDIENCE.
EXT. THE BEACH. DAY
The BRAINY BUT STILL SEXY LADY and DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON head out to the beach. They head to a boat that looks suspiciously like the one from Jaws 1, but then…
BRAINY BUT STILL SEXY LADY
Hang on. Because I’m a shark
scientist I conveniently have a
boat that is perfect for this shark
hunting mission.
The camera pans and we see a super cool boat that will look really cool when we blow it up later.
EXT. THE BOAT. SUNSET
BRAINY BUT STILL SEXY LADY
Why does getting this shark mean so
much to you?
DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON
It’s probably eating people! Do I need
another reason?
BRAINY BUT STILL SEXY LADY
Sharks eat people all the time! [citation needed]
DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON
I know… a shark ate my dad when
I was only a boy.
BRAINY BUT STILL SEXY LADY
I’m sorry, I didn’t know…
DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON
He was one crazy son of a bitch.
But he was my dad. Served in WW2,
and was almost eaten then, but survived,
only to be eaten in the Summer of ’73.
BRAINY BUT STILL SEXY LADY
You mean…
DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON
Yes… my dad was that crazy fisherman
from Jaws 1. I know that on the surface
that this doesn’t make much sense. But,
I’m DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON,
so plot realism isn’t something I
need to worry about.
BRAINY BUT STILL SEXY LADY
That’s so hot.
They bang as the sun sets.
EXT. THE BOAT. NIGHT
Alarms sound throughout the boat, which signals that the shark is near – convenient. DAWYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON and the BRAINY BUT STILL SEXY LADY awake from their post-coital nap. We get a great shot of DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON’S TOPLESS BOD. He doesn’t bother putting a shirt, he just grabs a harpoon and looks to the side of the deck.
THERE’S A BIG FIGHT BETWEEN DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON AND THE SHARK. Can we CGI the shark so that is has fists and can punch? That could be cool. It should definitely have a leather jacket or something. Wait, remember Street Sharks? Could this shark be a street shark? We probably should have decided on this earlier. I dunno… I just think it could be cool.
Anyways after there’s a big sea punch on, DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON kills that mother. It’s cool. We’ll blow stuff up.
BRAINY BUT STILL SEXY LADY
Wow. That was great how you kicked
that shark in the balls. [citation needed]
DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON
No biggie.
They speed back to shore. Wait did we blow the boat up? They make it back to shore on a party boat. Yeah that’s more like it. More bikinis. NICE.
EXT. THE BEACH. DAY
There’s no one on the beach. It’s Spring Break? Where is everyone???!!! They find a stray newspaper on the beach from that morning. The headline reads:
MUTANT SHARKS THAT CAN SURVIVE ON LAND ATTACK AMITY ISLAND.
DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON and the BRAINY BUT STILL SEXY LADY look at each other.
DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON
Let’s go fishing.
DUBSTEP COVER OF THE JAWS THEME SONG PLAYS AGAIN.